


Flicker

by Bellflower



Category: Shin Sangokumusou | Dynasty Warriors
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Depression, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-02
Updated: 2019-02-02
Packaged: 2019-10-20 23:43:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,028
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17632001
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Bellflower/pseuds/Bellflower
Summary: That choice, if he'd made it, would have been about being saved. Nothing else.





	Flicker

**Author's Note:**

> Prompt for this challenge was an excerpt from Ode to Patrick Swayze, by Tishani Doshi.
> 
> ' _only yesterday, when I rescued a northern shoveler_  
>  _from crows on the beach, his broken wing_  
>  _squished against the crockery of my ribs,_  
>  _only after setting him down at the edge_  
>  _Of a canal, where he sank in to the long patient_  
>  _task of dying, that I realized what I'd wanted_  
>  _most was to be held by someone determined_  
>  _to save me_ '
> 
> Setting is a light AU of Dynasty Warriors 8 Wei hypothetical.

Was that what it was all about? Xu Shu tensed as the thought occurred to him, feeling dizzy and uncomfortable within the busy camp; he instinctively wanted to run, to find some dark place to sit in and breathe, but instead just pulled up his hood and tried to act like the world wasn't trembling beneath his feet as the Wei soldiers moved around him.

Train. Move. Take the soldiers through their movements, work through every dip and flow involved in the art of the sword, so he was both doing his job and keeping his secret.

They'd be displeased to know how heavily Liu Bei featured in his thoughts, how much the compassionate, smiling leader still felt important to him. Right now the fantasy of an offered hand seized lingered, a welcome into a fold of people including his two beloved classmates, Kongming and Shiyuan, and it seemed warm and bright. Inviting. Reassuring in all the right ways, a flicker of light to break up the darkness in his own head. Twice now he could have accepted an offer to go there but had declined first because he had not felt worthy, and second because... because...

“Master Xu Shu? Is everything alright?”

One of his subordinates was staring at him with wide, concerned eyes; stuck on his thought, Xu Shu had stopped in the middle of a drill and was staring into space until interrupted. He flushed, embarrassed, and shook his head.

“Um, I'm fine. Sorry... please continue.”

An offer to defect. It would have been so easy to lead some of the Wei into the trap laid by Kongming and offer Liu Bei a gift, an apology, for turning him down in the first place. ' _I'm sorry, my Lord, all I want is to follow you. Let me back in. Please_...' But he hadn't. Instead Xu Shu had sat at his desk for what felt like an eternity before setting the letter aflame, hiding the evidence but also rejecting the contents at the same time. There was every chance he was being monitored and his superiors knew about it, was the reason he'd settled on at the time, but that wasn't it. Not in truth. Anything sent by Zhuge Liang would remain unseen by anyone but the intended recipient after all. No, something else had sat ugly on his chest and Xu Shu had not wanted to think about it, not until this moment when it had forced itself into his mind unannounced and made itself known.

That choice, if he'd made it, would have been about being saved. Nothing else. Liu Bei was a draw because of his compassionate nature and conjured up images of some kind of saviour, a good way to go, yes, but none of that was about the goal Xu Shu had once set himself: help the land with his mind. However much he could potentially do under Liu Bei's service in that way (and it felt like little compared to Zhuge Liang) it would never have been about anyone but Xu Shu himself, escaping his demons.

Being saved, being made to feel wanted, it was such an appealing fantasy. But the realisation of that motive was a shock, and Xu Shu understood his reaction to the letter now. Accepting it would have been falling into that fantasy for his own good and nobody else's. Could he effectively serve Liu Bei that way, really? Slicing through the air, Xu Shu considered himself as he so often did and as usual found himself wanting; a fantasy was just a fantasy, after all, and as wonderful as Liu Bei surely was there could never be a quick solution to what sat in Xu Shu's heart. That bright image would not be without its own problems and if he wasn't even heading there for noble reasons...

No. He couldn't do it. Liu Bei, Zhuge Liang and Pang Tong deserved better than that. Before he could make any decisions about his own future, if a future there was, he needed to find some level of stability. Confidence. Even if it was just a flicker. Even if was just enough to find someone to hold him safe, while _also_ being able to do the same in return, he--

“Ah!”

The flat of a sword smacked Xu Shu right on the back of his head; the shock of it tripped him up in a moment of uncharacteristic clumsiness because despite every lesson he tried to teach these men and the reminder to himself to stay focused, he'd stop paying attention yet again. The 'attacker' rushed over, clearly fretting and nervous, but Xu Shu brushed him off and for one long minute just stayed there, feeling the tears prick at the corners of his eyes, feeling a sense of loss and hurt weigh down his chest.

No matter how he felt, though, right now there was only one thing he could do.

“...I'm fine.” He turned over and sat up, glancing over at his men and offering a small smile. “Take this as a lesson about paying attention to your surroundings? I've not been doing a good job of that today.”

The tension didn't immediately fade away, so Xu Shu stood up in full and laughed quietly, which did it, despite the awkwardness of the sound. Right now he served Wei and that was that. These men had been assigned to him. He was responsible for them, so the most good in the world he could do would be ensuring they survived the incoming battles. Perhaps, even here, he could grow... become better... there were good people under Wei's banner and Xu Shu could not ignore that fact because they were stood before him. This small unit of men looked at him with bright, trusting eyes and constantly praised his abilities even if he didn't really deserve the admiration they had for him.

They'd be enough, more than enough. Not a shining beacon to follow or a hand that could touch and and save his weak, struggling heart, but they'd keep him alive and be his motivation while Xu Shu tried to find a way to save _himself_.


End file.
